


I've Got You

by ifaughtbutdeath



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland Friendship, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Anxiety, Comfort/Angst, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Jace Wayland is a Lightwood, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Panic Attacks, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, Protective Jace Wayland, References to Depression, Sad Alec, Supportive Jace Wayland, Young Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-01 20:08:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15150878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifaughtbutdeath/pseuds/ifaughtbutdeath
Summary: A series of works following young Alec Lightwood and his struggles with mental health and his sexuality (mentions of anxiety disorder, panic attacks and depression). Most of the fics also strongly represent the Jace Wayland & Alec Lightwood bond, friendship and possible relationship?ft. lots of flashbacks & fluff/comfort(can't write summaries sorry)





	I've Got You

**Author's Note:**

> btw // in the present tense part of this fic Alec is 17, Jace & Izzy are 16 :)

** _“I’ve got you”_ **

 

It was 4am when Alec heard the soft creak of the door, he almost didn’t hear it at first as rain was hitting against his bedroom window at an offbeat pace. The young boy was curled into a ball on his bed, shivering. The pillow beneath his head damp, with tears that had fallen over the night and into the early morning as he just **couldn’t** sleep. He tried, he always really did try, but just like many other things - _he wasn’t good enough_.

 He didn’t need to hear the creak of the door though, he sensed the sudden presence of his parabatai as he slowly made his way into his room.  Alec always hated how his own problems were brought onto Jace through their connection, but he always selfishly had a sense of relief knowing he wouldn’t be alone.

 The two didn’t need to talk, words were just an obvious method of communication that the two young boys didnt need. Jace could somewhat feel the emotions of his best friend in front of him from some bedrooms away, strong enough to wake him up as he made his way out of bed and towards his adoptive brother’s room.

 

Alec curled up further in his position as he felt his bed dip just beside him.

 

A sigh.

 

The blonde boy reaches his hand out, gently laying it on his parabatai’s shoulder, his thumb gently running over the fabric of his shirt on his shoulder.

 

‘Alec…”

 

Alec’s eyes, that had been staring off into the distance for hours, slowly pan up looking at the younger boy in front of him.

 

“I’m sorry...”

 

Two words, mumbled, apologetically. As they usually are. But no matter how many times Jace reminds him, the Lightwood boy continues to apologise.

 

“Alec.” Again. But this time like a (gentle) slap on the wrist.

“You don’t have to apologise”.

 

“Sorry.”

 

Jace sighs once again, adjusting himself closer to his brother.

 

“You’re in pain.”

 

Alec shifts, slightly uncurling himself, but his hands still have a tremor.

 

“It doesn’t matter Jace, it’s always like this, you should be used to it by now.”

 

_I am._

 

Words missing from the end of his sentence but are present in the air as the two sit in silence.

Jace instinctively reaches his hand out, placing it partly in his parabatai’s hair and partly on his temple. The older boy leans into the touch and Jace himself feels a sense of relief in the subdued pain he felt himself as a part of being soul-connected to his best friend. His hand slowly massages the spot as he looks around Alec’s mostly bare room, the only real personality seen in the room is the stack of books piling on his desk.

As Jace surveys the room he comes across the pill bottles that sit on the darker haired boy’s nightstand.

 

“Yes, I did.”

 

Jace pushes a weak smile, it's been almost 10 years now, but he is still amused at the fact the two can communicate without saying a word.

 

“The mundane stuff as well?”

 

“Yes Jace.”

 

Alec see’s Jace’s frown and shifts once more, slowly sitting up, his back against the bed’s headboard and his knees curled up into his chest. His hair is a mess of black and his skin is pale, accentuating the deep, dark underlines beneath his eyes.

This isn’t what Shadowhunters are, Shadowhunters are warriors, as strong as steel. Shadowhunters fight the ugliest of demons from the depths of Edom _for God’s sake_ , but yet Alec can’t even handle his own. Simon has told him countless amounts of times that it’s normal, that it's common, but all of this is normal for _mundanes_ and Alexander Lightwood isn’t a mundane, he is supposed to be a leader and a soldier.

 

But his throat tightens at meetings.

His heart beats too fast at the wrong times.

His mind takes him to dark places.

He panics until he cant breath and he doesn’t even know why.

 

He is defeated, absolutely sick of sleepless nights, feeling numb, feeling useless;

Being a failure.

 Jace has lost the boy again, who stares at his blank wall unmoving. He notices the tremor in the boy’s hands and it’s sad, it really is. Alec is an archer, the best he knows, skilled with the art of precision and accuracy with his bow. But it’s nights like these were Alec can’t even control his movements and all Jace wants to do is take the darkness away - but he can’t, he really wants to, **but he just can’t.**

Jace feels it every time, every-time his best friend drops into the deep end. He never misses it and he’s thankful for that. He’s thankful that he gets to be a shoulder to lean on and someone to talk Alec down from the ledge (both metaphorically and literally). And he’s happy, to just sit here in silence, watching his parabatai feeling down and out, helpless but not alone.

 

“Jace?”

 

Alec lifts his head up from his knees and scoots slightly to the left. Jace then takes the initiative to move closer, sitting beside the older boy and pulling him against his chest.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I don’t know” .Sigh.

 

“I’m here…I’ve got you.”

 

Alec settles in to Jace’s side, his head tucked into the blonde’s shoulder and his nose pressed against his chest, the older boy closes his eyes, finding comfort in the comforting hold of his best friend. Alec could finally breathe. Having spent the whole night in a severe state of anxiety and depression, he finally feels as though he can take a breath and that even if he _was_ to slip over the edge, his parabatai would be right there to pull him out of the fire.

 Jace remembers back to when he first realised Alec was _sick_ ; he was 14, Alec, 15. The older boy became reclusive, avoiding any social situation and falling behind in his training and education. Jace was worried, as he could feel how unfocused his parabatai was becoming and was also beginning to feel a sense of misery brew through their connection. Izzy played it off as a thing of ‘growing up’ and that her brother was probably just being a ‘moody teen’. Jace would have completely believed her, if it wasn’t for the aching feeling emitting from the rune on his collar. It took a while for Jace to realise his parabatai was seriously **not** alright and he still hates himself for not releasing soon enough.

 

****

 

_Jace and Alec were in the midst of training, it was something the two of them treasured as it is a time when their parabatai bond is at its full potential. Their movement is carried out in a certain fashion of synchronisation as the two are sharing each others thoughts and are moving as one. Alec’s movement balances precisely with Jace’s, who has two short swords in his hands and a smirk on his face as he spars with the older Lightwood boy in front of him._

 

_Our hearts beat as one._

 

_A split second, they were fighting and the next, Alec’s runed sword drops to the ground. Jace barely misses hitting his friend at the sudden change as Alec stumbles back. The older boy turns his back to Jace sharply and heavy breathing suddenly echoes around the empty courtyard space. The bond aches and Jace’s heart-rate suddenly accelerates to an unnatural pace, he moves closer to his parabatai who is slumped over a cement statue._

 

_“Alec? did I hurt you?”_

 

_All Alec can do is shake his head, his throat tightens and the silence of the room is deafening. He can’t seem to catch a breath and tears sting at his eyes as he struggles to breath._

 

_“I can’t… I-I Can’t”_

 

_He can feel the blood pounding in his ears and his heart hammering at his chest. The corners of his sight begin to darken as he falls further towards the ground. This time Jace is there to hold his parabatai, softening his fall and balancing the other boy with his arms. Jace choked on his breath abruptly, sensing a quick snap of what his brother is feeling._

 

_“Oh shit…Alec can you hear me”_

 

_With his eyes squeezed shut and face contorted in anguish, he nods slightly. The simple actions causes for everything to spin and he falls into a seated position on the ground, the feeling of Jace’s hand on his lower back centering him back to reality._

  _Alec makes a choking noise, clutching his throat, pressing his head into Jace’s chest._

 

_“I can’t...”_

 

_Jace holds Alec’s head gently, holding him upright against his body._

 

_“Alec you need to breath okay?, follow me, on the count of 3.”_

 

_1 . It hurts._

_2 . I’m gonna be sick._

_3 . FUCK!_

 

_He takes a hitched breath in, his vision still fogged, one hand clutched to his throat and the other gripping desperately to Jace’s shirt._

 

_“Again…it’s alright, with me….”_

 

_1 . I’m going to pass out._

_2 . It’s so cold._

_3 . Breath!_

 

_This continues, Jace desperately pushing his resting heart rate and strength through the bond until Alec calms, letting out the occasional hitched breath and slumping into Jace’s arms._

 

_“Fuck Alec…what was that?”_

 

_Jace looks down alarmed at the dark haired boy whose eyes are drooping closed although tears are evidently dripping from his pale face._

_Alec exhales one heavy breath and weakly pushes himself closer to Jace seeking comfort._

 

_“I’m alright.”_

 

_All Jace could do was sigh, hold his brother closer and pray that no one walks out to the courtyard to see their situation._

 

*

_Jace later learned that it wasn’t the first time Alec had experienced these mundane named, ‘panic attacks’. And in fact, found out his parabatai quite frequently experienced them._

 

_“So...Why do you panic?”_

 

_“I don’t know, at all…”_

 

_“So you just feel anxious all of a sudden and boom you can’t breath?”_

 

_“Basically…”_

 

_The two are loitering in the kitchen. Jace insists Alec eat something after the ordeal to restore his strength. The older boy offered to simply activate his strength rune or an iratze, but Jace wasn’t going to allow that. In a flash the darker haired boy was seated on a stool in the institute’s kitchen, his head resting on crossed arms as Jace pottered around the kitchen preparing some soup._

_By the time the food was done Jace turned around, sliding the bowl towards Alec who was all but three seconds from sleep. He groggily lifts his head and lets out a tired breath. Jace  extends his hand out and places it on the older boy’s._

 

_“Seriously, Alec, are you okay?”_

 

_Alec just stares at him and is about to form a fake response when his shoulders slump._

 

_“Honestly, No.”_

 

****

 

Now, years later,  it all makes sense, even more-so with Clary and Simon’s mundane knowledge. Jace somewhat understands what goes down in his parabatai’s mind and has learnt the triggers and signs that things have gotten ‘bad’.

Both Jace and Alec have come to understand that this all won't go away, but they understand how to deal with it. And for Alec, that just means having someone to lean on, usually just having Jace there to talk and comfort him is enough to bring him back to home base.

Maryse allows both Alec and Jace time off now, whenever things get bad they step away. Sometimes they explore New York or sometimes there are days where Alec just needs to stay in bed and it's fine either way. Jace’s number one priority is to protect his parabatai.

So now, the two just lie in Alec’s bed; Jace poised up against the headboard with Alec curled beside him, head resting on the blonde’s shoulder. He doesn’t want to speak and he’s awfully tired but Jace doesn’t mind. He just holds Alec closer, comforting him with a hand through his hair, gently stroking the soft black strands at every breath the other takes. Continuing to provide contentment and warmth until the oldest Lightwood falls asleep.

 

The two boys have fought demons all their life.

and this is just another thing they can work through together.


End file.
